This Guide was created in
conjunction with Liberty Mutual and their Responsible Sports Program to be used
as a Quick Reference to help Parents make their Child’s sporting experiences
more meaningful. This was taken from the following website:
www.responsiblesports.com.
The Liberty Mutual Responsible Sports program is designed for parents
across ALL sports and aims at providing helpful advice and useful resources
that can be applied universally among youth athletes. As the parent of a youth
athlete (pre-school through high school), you want the best for your child, on
and off the field.
This website helps you help your children:
This site aims to provide you the resources, tools, and expert
advice to help you and your family. But by all means, we don't think we have
all of the answers. That's why this site also includes areas for you and fellow
parents to exchange ideas and ask questions of other parents dealing with
similar issues. Together as a community and with your help, we believe we can
ensure a safe, positive, character-building youth sports experience for our
kids.
Liberty Mutual and Positive Coaching Alliance see a world of
good possible from youth and high school sports. For families to benefit fully,
they should consider, discuss and process the experience together...and with
the coaches in their lives
A Responsible Sports Parent fills two key roles:
· Ensuring your youth athlete's safety
· Helping your youth athlete apply life lessons from sports on and
off the field
Education through sport can develop children of high character,
who lead, persevere, overcome adversity and function as productive team
members.
Sports provide the ideal 'virtual classroom' for teaching life
lessons, when children
have Responsible Sports Parents and Responsible Coaches. A 2001 research study
entitled "The Development of Psychological Talent in U.S. Olympic
Champions," found that Olympic Champions reported having parents and
coaches who "provided considerable encouragement and support and
reciprocal trust and respect."
"There isn't any
other youth institution that equals sports as a setting in which to develop
character. There just isn't. Sports are the perfect setting because character
is tested all the time."
- John Gardner, Presidential
Medal of Freedom Winner and Founding Member of Positive Coaching
This section and the
companion Responsible Coaching section will help you and thousands of
others become Responsible Coaches and Responsible Sport Parents.
We are providing this service because, as a leading global
insurer and one of the largest home and auto insurers in the
Driving to and from games and
practices, overexposure to sun, dehydration, exhaustion, faulty equipment,
overuse injuries and those that result from accidents on the field, all present
potential hazards. That's why the number
one characteristic of a Responsible Sport Parent is ensuring your children's
safety.
The
major areas of safety that we, as Responsible Sports Parents, must address:
Check
with your family doctor to assess your children's fitness before they begin any
sport programs.
As
you may have seen in the news recently, hydration is a big issue in sports.
Teach your children the importance of hydration – send them to practice with
water bottles, remind them to have water throughout the day, and greet them after
practice with a nice cold bottle of water.
We
all know nutrition is important. It becomes even more important for our youth
athletes who are burning lots of calories during practice and games. Do your
best to ensure your athlete is eating a balanced diet and touch base with your
coach on special nutritional needs before practices and games.
Make
sure the equipment your children use for practice and games is safe. Make sure
your children wear adequate protective gear and ask your children's coaches if
you can examine all training and field equipment. Also, teach your children to
use equipment only for its intended purpose.
Partner
with your children's coaches to ensure greater safety. For example, keep a
first aid kit in your car to supplement the coach's first aid kit. Consider
getting certified in first-aid and CPR and encourage other parents to do the
same. You can never have enough qualified hands in case of an emergency. A
first-aid kit and at least one adult trained and certified in first-aid and CPR
should be present at all practices and games.
We
take driving safety seriously – and we know you do, too! Anyone responsible for
driving youth athletes to and from practices or games should be licensed and
insured. Consider updating your own insurance policy to reflect carpooling care
of passengers.
The "life lessons" portion of Responsible Sports
Parenting starts with getting on the same page with our kids. Why do your
children want to play youth sports? Why do they want to participate?
Once you consider those answers and recognize where you and your
child agree and differ, you can establish common ground for conversations that
will help you and your child get what you want from youth sports.
To start, let's talk about possible goals that you might
have for your child. (And keep in mind, this is the beginning of a list – feel
free to add others to the list.) Consider ranking them from 1-10 – what would be
your top 3?
· Become a good athlete
· Learn to play the sport
· Win
· Gain self-confidence
· Learn to deal with defeat
· Physical fitness
· Learn "life lessons"
· Have fun
· Make friends
· Earn a college scholarship
· Other (specify: ___________).
Now, consider asking this same question of your kids. What are
their top 3? You might be surprised to see what they are thinking. Getting
"level set" through this conversation helps both of you get on the
same page. And in the end, that helps both of you get the most out of the youth
sports experience.
The ranking exercise serves several purposes:
· Helps us as parents articulate and prioritize our goals
· Reminds us of the educational and character-development
opportunities in youth sports
· Helps us talk with our kids -- as equals and in a spirit of
partnership -- about their goals.
What also is interesting about this exercise is the diversity of
responses – of our fellow parents as well as our kids. Why did you rank what
you did as number one? And what did you think of your child's number one
ranking?
Once we recognize similarities and differences between our goals
and our children's goals, we can better shape conversations with our children.
As Responsible Sports Parents, we have to remind ourselves that our main goal
is to help our children learn and apply life lessons.
As much as you, your children and their coaches want to win
games -- only the players and coaches are ultimately responsible for winning.
As fans and parents, our job is to make sure our children use their youth
sports experience to grow into successful adults. If we become overly focused
on winning, we are likely to miss opportunities to play this important role with
our kids (and with other kids on the team).
Within that context, consider the following scenario, and
remember, there are no "right" answers…only
food for thought and a chance to educate and learn from your fellow sports
parents:
There
are no "right answers" and no one single way to approach tough
situations like these in youth sports. But as you continue to read here, we
hope you'll find tools and resources to help make conversations like these
easier and more productive for both you and your child.
Conversation with your children about their youth sports
experience is the single most important factor in their ability to take life lessons
from sports. The following pages will explore three principles that Responsible
Sports Parents apply to those conversations:
· A Mastery Approach
· Filling Emotional Tanks
· Honoring the Game.
Responsible Coaches also implement these principles. When you
incorporate them into Responsible Sports Parenting, you are reinforcing the
messages your children receive from their Responsible Coaches.
Although all three apply to talking
with your children, we all know that we also must "walk the walk."
For our guidance to be meaningful with our kids, they have to see us acting on
our own advice.
What is the first question that people usually ask children when
they see your child, for example, at the grocery store wearing their sports
uniform?
"Did you win?"
Many of us have been raised to put scoreboard results ahead of
everything else. Sure, as Responsible Sports Parents we care about the
scoreboard. But we also know that some of the lessons learned in youth sports
can be invaluable as adults.
Instead of focusing exclusively on the scoreboard, Responsible
Sports Parents can take a Mastery Approach to sports, where success is tied not
just to wins and losses, but also to mastering physical and mental skills. That way, win or lose, children still can gain life lessons
from sports.
There are three elements of The Mastery Approach (and there is
an easy acronym – ELM – to help remember them) – Effort, Learning and Mistakes.
1. Effort – we encourage our kids
to always give 100%
2. Learning – we
see sports as a way to constantly learn and improve
3. Mistakes are
OK – it's how we respond to them that really matters
If we as parents, together with the team's coach can instill ELM
in our kids – rather than focusing solely on the scoreboard – they will perform
better on the field and will more likely apply the ELM approach to school,
family relationships and other important aspects of their lives.
We've all seen it: too much emphasis on winning increases
players' anxiety. They end up expending their emotional energy worrying about
whether they will win or lose. And that higher anxiety causes them to make more
mistakes -- they play tentatively and timidly.
Ultimately, anxiety undercuts self-confidence, which affects
performance and takes the joy out of sports.
Why does the focus on the scoreboard increase anxiety? Because
players can't control the outcome on the scoreboard! And players become anxious
about things that are important to them that they can't control. A win on the
scoreboard depends a great deal on the quality of the opponent, which is
outside of the control of the athlete or team. (It's also outside our control
as parents!)
Sports psychology research shows that teams and athletes who
take the ELM Mastery approach (giving 100% effort, constantly learning, and
bouncing back from mistakes) consistently win more contests. (To learn more
about this research, visit Positive
Coaching Alliance.
By moving our children's focus off the scoreboard results and on
to their effort, our kids will be happier and more self-confident -- and the
wins will come.
Introducing your child to the ELM Mastery Approach can lead to
rewarding conversation between you and your child as well as enhancing your
child's sport experience.
At the start of the season, let your children know that:
1. You will always be proud of them as long as they give 100% effort
(regardless of the outcome on the scoreboard).
2. You want them to constantly
strive to learn and improve. This involves them comparing their
own performance to their own performance (i.e. Are they better than they were
two weeks ago?).
3. Mistakes are an inevitable part of the game. If they are giving
100% and trying new things (as they strive to improve), mistakes are bound to
occur, and the best players are those who find ways to quickly bounce back from mistakes.
4. Teams that focus on giving their full effort, constantly
learning and improving, and bouncing back from mistakes, actually win more than
teams who consistently focus on the scoreboard.
5. You want your child to focus on the ELM Tree of Mastery (Effort,
Learning and Mistakes) because players who do this well are less anxious on the
field and have a greater
sense of confidence in themselves and their abilities.
Here
are some tools from Positive Coaching Alliance to help you reinforce the ELM
Mastery Approach:
We
all do it. Our kid's team scores, and all the parents
in the stands start cheering. When the other team scores, of course we don't
cheer. (Unfortunately too many of us have witnessed parents booing from the
stands.) It's reflexive. It's how we are as fans at professional sports.
But
as Responsible Sports Parents, we need to go beyond reflex to cheer for the
things we want to see happen again. We call that Targeted Cheering. When we
notice and reinforce desired behavior from our kids (and others on the team),
we help ingrain into our kids those important life lessons we want them to get
from their youth sports experience.
Before
a game, remind yourself of the priorities you have set for what you and your
children want out of sports. Consider keeping a "cheat sheet" in your
pocket listing things you'll cheer for during the game, such as great effort or
demonstrating good sportsmanship toward opponents.
To
send your children messages about teamwork, cheer for their teammates by name. To
teach sportsmanship, stretch outside of the box, and cheer great plays by the
opponent. (Sure, it's tough sometimes to cheer for the other team – but if they
make a great play, isn't it just the right thing to do to celebrate it?)
In
the ELM Tree of Mastery, mistakes are OK. One way to help reinforce this is
through what the professionals call a Mistake Ritual -- something that reminds
players to bounce back and focus on the next play.
You
may have seen these Mistake Rituals and not even realized that's what they
were. And some of the best coaches in sports today use them:
· Rutgers
University Head Football Coach Greg Schiano has his
players make a "chopping wood" gesture as a means of an effective
mistake ritual.
· When
sports psychologist Ken Ravizza introduced
"flushing mistakes" - having players make a flushing motion after a
mistake - the California State University-Fullerton baseball team turned a sub
.500 season into the 2004 College World Series
Championship.
· The USA
Women's Olympic Softball Team used the technique of flushing mistakes to carry
them out of the losers bracket and all the way to the
Gold Medal at the 2000 Olympics in Sydney.
Establish
a physical signal you can flash to your child from the sideline after a
mistake, such as the "no sweat" motion of wiping your brow. Maybe
even get all the parents together and agree on a team Mistake Ritual.
(Responsible Coaches often have their own Mistake Rituals they use with their
players.)
Whether
you use the same signal as the rest of the team or your own private signal you
establish with your children, it is important to let your children know that
mistakes really are OK.
As Responsible Sports Parents, we try to keep our children's
"Emotional Tanks" full. What do we mean by this? A person's
"Emotional Tank" is like a car's gas tank. When it's full we can go
anywhere we want to; when it's empty we can't go at all.
Players with full Emotional Tanks are:
· more coachable and likely to listen and respond without resistance
· more optimistic
· better able to handle adversity
So, how do we as Responsible Sports Parents fill our children's
Emotional Tanks? By striking the right balance between specific,
truthful praise and specific, constructive criticism. Educational
research indicates a "Magic Ratio" of 5:1, five praises to one
criticism, which fosters the ideal learning environment.
Five to one. Think about it. We're so used to our work environments where we
don't get five positive comments to one criticism – but our kids really do need
this level of praise and reinforcement.
The key is avoiding empty, unearned praise. The praise must be
truthful and specific (i.e., not just "Way to go," but, "Good
work, I noticed you got your glove all the way down on every ground ball hit
your way.").
Be sure your non-verbal communication also maintains the
"Magic Ratio." You fill Emotional Tanks when you listen, nod, clap,
or smile. Tank drainers include ignoring, frowning, head-shaking, eye-rolling
and yelling. If you happen to see a videotape of last week's game, are you
embarrassed to see or hear yourself, or do you feel good about your actions on
the sidelines?
It's not easy – we know that. But as Responsible Sports Parents,
we're committed to working hard on this to make it happen. And in the next
section, there are some helpful tools and phrases to help us all get started.
As parents, we have tremendous power to shape the way our
children think about themselves. One way is through "You're the kind of
person who..." statements.
Telling our kids "You're the kind of person who…,"
fills theirs head with a message that can stick for years. We can deliver
messages that are empowering and help our children think of themselves as
capable people with positive character traits.
For example: "The overthrow to first base was tough, but
I'm proud that you're the kind of person who learns from the mistake and picks
yourself right back up. You handled it perfectly and stayed positive the whole
game."
This phrase also works outside of sports. If you want your
children to love reading, find an opportunity to say, "I noticed you reading
that book on falcons. It's great that you're the kind of person who just reads
for sheer pleasure."
We know that as parents, we have to sometimes correct our kids
to help them improve. But we can deliver this feedback with usable information
that helps empower our children. For example, "You need to focus!"
contains virtually no usable information, but "Remember that coach wants
you to keep both feet on the ground on throw-ins" contains very usable
information.
· Avoid non-teachable moments. The ride home from a game ended by a costly mistake is not the
time to offer instruction.
· Wait for privacy. People
hear criticism better in private than in front of a crowd.
· Ask permission. If you
ask, and your child prefers not to hear your criticism, honor that, and ask
again later. (Do not use this technique in areas where your child needs an
immediate lesson, such as poor sportsmanship or dangerous behavior.)
· Use if-then statements. To
help your children feel in control even while you are criticizing, phrase your
feedback in the form of an if-then statement. "If you call Ava off the
ball, you'll be more comfortable under that pop-up."
· Make a criticism sandwich. "
When it comes to sports, we as parents can fall into the trap of
thinking that it is our job to talk and our children's job to listen. We need
to remember it is also our job to listen and to create space for our children
to talk. Here are some suggestions for talking sports with your kids.
· A Conversation Among Equals. True conversation – not instruction or admonishment – occurs
between equals. Dictators don't have conversations with their subjects. They
tell them what to do. Prepare yourself for a conversation with your children by
remembering that youth sports is for them, not for
you. Remember that you want to be supportive and be on their level. Your goal
is not to give advice on how to become a better athlete but to help your
children learn.
· Listen! In
many instances you may know exactly what your children can do to improve on the
field, which life lessons you want them to learn, and how to apply those life
lessons off the field. However, this is a conversation. Your goal is to get
your children talking about their sports experience, so ask rather than tell. Use
open-ended questions: Some questions lend themselves to one-word responses.
"How was your game today?" "Fine." To get your children to
talk at length, ask open-ended questions that elicit longer, more thoughtful responses, and that can't be answered with a one-word answer
like yes or no.
o "What was the most enjoyable part of today's
practice/game?"
o "What worked well?"
o "What didn't turn out so well?"
o "What did you learn that can help you in the future?"
o "Any thoughts on what you'd like to work on before the next
game?"
· Show You Are Listening. Make
it obvious that you are paying attention through nonverbal cues such as making
eye contact, nodding your head and making "listening noises"
("uh-huh," "hmmm," "interesting," etc.).
· Ask about life-lesson and character issues. Be explicit. For example, say, "Any thoughts on what you've
learned in practice this week that might help you with other parts of your
life?" It's important to have in mind specific "teachable
moments" of a practice or game that you want to discuss with them, but
resist the temptation to lead your children to the conclusions you want them to
reach. They will learn and apply life lessons more effectively if they arrive
at conclusions on their own. Of course, you can always share your ideas with
them, but try to avoid doing so in a way that will shut down their desire to
have a conversation with you.
· Let Your Children Set the Terms. Forcing a conversation right after a competition, when there may
be a lot of emotion, is often less successful than waiting until your children
indicate they are ready to talk. (Boys may take longer than girls to talk about
an experience.) Look for prompts that your children are ready. Don't fear
silence. Stick with it and your child will open up to you.
Conversations don't have to be lengthy to be effective. If your
children want a brief discussion, defer to their wishes. If they feel like
every discussion about sports is going to be long, they may begin to avoid
them.
It's really too bad when that happens because an essential truth
in the youth athlete-sports parent relationship is that kids like talking about
sports so much, they'll even talk sports with us! (Unless we
make it unpleasant for them to do so.)
As Responsible Sports Parents, we aim to conduct ourselves by a
code called "Honoring the Game."
The Honoring the Game Code is simple, but powerful. The elements
of the Code are: Rules, Opponents, Officials, Teammates and Self (ROOTS for
short!)
Honoring the Game is one of many opportunities where we as
parents can lead by example. , When our children notice that we keep our temper
in check, for example when an official misses a call, they are more likely to
check their own tempers.
Honoring the Game starts with our own self-control. Take a deep
breath, remind yourself about the discipline to NOT react, remind yourself that
your child is watching you. If you find yourself on the verge of losing
control, turn away from the action, count to 20 (or 50!) and take a deep breath.
We can do this!
(And by the way – later on, you can use the experience as a
teachable moment with your children: "I was pretty upset with what
happened, but I controlled myself so I wouldn't do anything that would dishonor
the game. And that's an important lesson I want you to learn from sports -- how
to develop your own self-control so you will always Honor the Game no matter
what.")
Because today's youth sports environment can so often be
volatile, and even violent, it is important to prevent any outraged coach,
player or parent from boiling over.
Here
are some tools and tips to help you as Responsible Sport Parents Honor the
Game:
Our
goal as Responsible Sports Parents is to try to turn any event--positive or
negative--into a teachable moment, including incidents in pro or college
sports. Seek opportunities to reinforce the principles of Honoring
the Game.
When
an incident occurs, whether something covered in the media,
or something you and your children experience during their own games, let your
kids know what you think about it. Better yet, ask them to talk about it even
before offering your opinion.
If
our kids come to the conclusion that something is or isn't Honoring the Game
and put it into their own words, they are more likely to retain what they have
learned.
Before
the Game
· Tell
your children you are proud of them regardless of how well they play.
· Tell
them to play hard and have fun and remind them that "nervous is
normal."
· Commit to
Honoring the Game no matter what others do.
During
the Game
· Let the
coaches coach. Avoid instructing your child (or other
players).
· Fill
your child's (and teammates') Emotional Tanks.
· Cheer
good plays and good efforts by both teams.
After
the Game
· Thank
the officials for doing a difficult job.
· Thank
the coaches for their effort.
· Remind
your child that you are proud of him or her-especially if the game didn't go
well!
Research
shows when we as parents support our children's teachers, students learn more.
This concept can be transferred to sports, where kids will have a better sports
experience if we work in unison with the coach to create a positive youth
sports environment.
Coaches
commit many, many hours of preparation beyond the hours spent at practices and
games. Recognize that they do not do it for the pay! Try to remember this
whenever something goes awry during the season.
As
soon as you know who your child's coach is going to be, introduce yourself, let
him or her know you want to help your child have the best possible experience,
and offer to assist the coach in any way you are qualified. Meeting the coach
early and establishing a positive relationship will make conversation easier if
a problem arises during the season.
When
coaches are doing something you like, let them know about it. Coaching is a
stressful job, and most coaches only hear from parents when they have a
complaint. A coach with a full Emotional Tank will do a better job.
Your
child is trying to concentrate amid the chaotic action of a game and do what the coach
asks. A parent yelling out instructions hardly ever helps.
More often than not, it confuses the child, adds pressure and goes against the
coaches' instruction, which undermines the player-coach relationship, the
player-parent relationship and the parent-coach relationship.
When
parents share their disapproval of a coach with their children, it puts the
children in a bind. Divided loyalties hinder people. Conversely, when parents
support a coach, it is easier for children to put forth maximum effort. If you
think your child's coach is mishandling a situation, do not tell your child.
Just take it up with the coach.
Wait
to talk to the coach about something you are upset about for at least 24 hours.
Emotions can get so hot that it's much more productive to wait a day before
contacting the coach. This also gives you time to consider exactly what to say.
Consider this scenario...What
would you do?
Perhaps no aspect of youth sports is more perplexing to parents than
how to deal with their children's coaches. As a Responsible Sports Parent, how
can you tell if your child has a Responsible Coach? And how can parents talk
with coaches to make sure children have the best possible sports experience?
Here is the definition of a Responsible Coach from the companion to this site, Liberty
Mutual's Responsible Coaching powered by Positive Coaching Alliance
Let's begin by explaining what a Responsible Coach is not. A Responsible Coach
is not:
· Soft
· A source of empty, unearned praise
· Satisfied with everyone just having fun.
Responsible Coaching actually is more difficult, challenging and
rewarding than coaching with a win-at-all-cost approach. In addition to
learning all they can about their sport, honing their "x's
and o's," and competing fiercely for wins,
Responsible Coaches are also committed to:
· Ensuring player safety
· Placing education and character development before wins
· Coaching beyond the "x's and o's"
· Coaching athletes to master their sports
· Filling "Emotional Tanks" to improve performance and
instill love of sport
· Living and coaching by a code of Honoring
the Game.
Even if you are the first sports parent in the world to have a Responsible
Coach in every sport, at every level, for all your children, you still will
have potentially uncomfortable conversations with those coaches. As a
Responsible Sports Parent you should be prepared to address all types of
coaches.
Let's look at how to handle intervention, when you feel your
child's coach needs to change in some way.
In the scenario of your daughter wanting to play striker for her
soccer team, the first question to ask yourself: "Is this something that my
daughter should do for herself?"
There are several advantages to having your children, rather
than you, speak directly to the coach. Many coaches are more open to suggestions
from players than from parents. The biggest plus is that this can be an
empowering experience for children, even if they don't get the change they
want.
Mustering the courage to talk to the coach can be a great life
lesson. Your children may gain important experiences about dealing with people
above them in the power structure, at school or in future jobs, by talking with
the coach on their own.
You would only have your children take up an issue with their
coaches if you believe the coaches are basically well-meaning people trying to
do the right thing. The sad truth is that some coaches do not always put their
players' interests first.
If the coach is abusive to players, you must intervene. Youth sports has no place for a coach who verbally or
physically intimidates athletes. You would never allow a teacher to bully or
humiliate a student, and you must not allow it from a coach, even one who often
gets a pass due to scoreboard success.
Unless your children are too young to understand what is going
on, talk with them before acting to intervene. If a child is against the idea,
but you believe the situation demands that you intervene, say, "I
understand that you don't want me to talk with your coach, but I believe that
this is so important that I have to do it."
If you are angry about the situation, gain control of yourself
and know exactly what you want to say. Pick a time and place where only the
coach can hear you—not during a game or practice, and not where you might be
overheard, which could make the coach more defensive.
You may need to write and even rehearse what you want to say
until it sounds the way you want. Be prepared to support your assertions with
specific examples. Then listen carefully to what the coach says in reply.
If the results are unsatisfactory, you may need to go higher up
in the organization, and you should be open with the coach that this is your
next step. Again, be clear about what you want to say when you meet the
athletic director, principal, coaching director or league president.
Even though intervening feels uncomfortable, remember you are
not just standing up for your child, but also for all of the other children
that play on the team, or who might play for this coach in future seasons.